SSSShhhhh You were NOT supposed to give away his secret identity. I get it hurts to squeeze those wings into that uniform. Great story!

Dave! Be nice to the guy! Glad you’ve landed safely though 🙂

I think his response was fairly reasonable. That was a very poor choice of words on your part. The “f” word is not OK to use the way you used it, IMHO.

It’s still an insult to use some words casually like that with people one doesn’t know.

Imagine if you thought you could talk like they do in Pulp Fiction to some random black guy on the street and you can see where it would go…

Now, had you said “the rather fabulously gay gentleman,” that might have been different; but, “fairy” is fightin’ words still in many places in the English speaking world. Or, had you been wearing nothing but a speedo at the time and looking at porn, that would have also been different…but, given you were on a plane, that probably wouldn’t have been appropriate, and the gentleman in question probably couldn’t pick you out on his gaydar.

I think you guys are getting a little precious – if I wanted to be offensive I’m sure I wouldn’t have used ‘fairy’.

When did everyone get so easily offendable?

2am – darn jetlag – I want to get back to sleep!!!

would u like to be called fairy?

I’m sorry, but I don’t agree with you either, Dave-

I think your response and non comprehension shows a pretty high level of internalised homophobia.

there is a lot of talk of “straight acting” in our community and its not healthy and it’s insulting. It means someone “acts” straight not that they are straight, they are putting on an “act”

I’m one of those “fairy” guys, it’s obvious I’m gay and I do not hide it nor do I affect it or try to “act” anything other than I am.

are people getting precious? Damm straight we are, would you like to be called a dirty fucking cocksucker and a fudge packer by some guy who you were trig to serve?

Ive sacked staff and refused to accept clients who use derogatory language.

Whilst you may think it’s precious, language is extremely powerful so think about the words you use

Drew: I think suggesting a “pretty high level of internalised homophobia” is a pretty big leap from what Dave shares of himself. Are you a Psych or doctor with the qualifications to make such a claim?
(Tip: Even if the answer is ‘yes’, it’s against most professional codes to give diagnosis in a public manner like you have)

Personally, I really like the term “straight acting”. I like men who are MEN. People who behave like adults. I find it attractive when a man behaves like a man. It is a real turn off for me when a guy speaks in a high pitched voice, flicks his hands about and screams at the thought of moving some furniture (Yes, two extremes – but they make my point). I wish we didn’t need terms like “straight acting” but these ‘generalisations’ do a great job of helping to cut through the masses to the guys who match our tastes. Just in the same way “jock”, “bear”, “twink” and “fem” do 🙂

There is a big difference between calling someone a “fairy” and a “dirty fucking cocksucker” where I come from. I don’t agree with Dave calling people a “fairy”, especially when they are just doing a job, but at the same time I think your response is waaaaay over the top.

Just my 2 cents.

I don’t think it’s about what you intended to do or to be, Dave, it’s how it was received. Lots of people do things intending to be nice, respectful, helpful, sensitive, and end up offending others. Lots of other people just do things without thinking much about them, and end up offending others as a result.

The fact is, you didn’t have to use that term–“the other flight attendant” would have been fine and appropriate, for example–and you did, and the person in question got offended. It’s good that you apologized (it would have been better to have apologized in person and explained yourself, as there’s no guarantee that the guy in question does read your blog–you’re not that famous, after all…unfortunately!), but I don’t think you’re quite understanding the implications of what was going on. Saying “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” isn’t really an apology; and saying that after saying “I guess some people don’t have a sense of humor” is really not an apology.

This matter opens up various cans of worms, as both Drew and Hungspeedoguy have said…but, ultimately, those are also marginal concerns to the central matter. I love your blog, Dave, and I love what you have done for speedo-loving people, but I think in this particular case, you did make a mistake, and you’re not taking full responsibility for it.

To use a slightly different metaphor: imagine you were driving a car to the store to pick up some milk, and on the way, you accidentally rolled over someone’s feet in the parking lot. Saying “I’m sorry your toes were in the way, but you shouldn’t be mad because I didn’t intend to run over your feet” wouldn’t make that person’s toes less painful. (Let’s assume that they’re just painful, and not broken or in any way seriously injured and in need of medical attention.)

Dr. Phil,

I appreciate your point of view but I disagree.

What is the world coming to when we have to be that PC. I could argue that my grandma (who doesn’t support gay marriage because she is devoutly catholic) would be offended by his behaviour/manner during the flight.

I really should put more posts like this up because it creates some excitement.

During my week/10 days in Australia I couldn’t believe the violence out on the town. Drunken violence. Not just on TV but at the local pub every night there was a few bust ups – perhaps people are a lot more sensitive than they should be.

In the end I was the one who lost out by being denied my right to another ocuple of drinks. I could have got upset and the husband/wife commented that the ‘fairy’ had his panties in a bunch.

But, I’m sure I’ll have another scotch sometime in the future (tonight I’m sure I will) so I’ll be just fine.

Have a good weekend guys.

Dave

Words are powerful and words do have meaning.

is my response over the top? Maybe it is, but I have been on the end of enough of these “words” to know they hurt and do make an impact regardless of whether someone means them or not.

It’s not “PC” to get upset at derogatory words.

Maybe you wouldn’t be so understanding about it if the words had been , that Jew, that nigger, that spic etc

They are all extremely derogatory words and I am extremely sad, that as Dr Phil says, you are not taking responsibility for the meaning behind the words.

And and Hungspeedo – no comment on your question 🙂

I think there is a huge issue in the gay community about the perception of “straight acting”, it’s not healthy and can be quite destructive. (Im not saying dave is being destructive, Im saying that there is a perpetuation of stereotypes)

Discourse like this is a good thing as it allows views to be aired

Dave: I think there’s a HUGE difference between drunken belligerence and cultural or personal-courtesy sensitivity when there’s no alcohol involved (other than for you).

The fact that you feel that, even though you got your drink in the end (but were cut off for your bad behavior) that you still feel like you “lost out,” when you basically left the flight attendant with a–perhaps in your view trifling, but likely not to his–psychological wound is really overly-entitled and is the essence of bullying. Considering this whole thing was over the fact that you didn’t get your alcohol quickly enough for your satisfaction, what makes you any different from the drunken and alcohol-fueled bullies who were picking fights in the bars and such?

If you and your friends are laughing about this whole situation, I don’t think that demonstrates what an easy-going and good-sense-of-humor person you are, I think it demonstrates that you’re a bully, who has preyed upon someone else’s sensitivity, then blames them for being upset over it, and continues to poke at it afterwards for added yucks. I’d really not prefer to think of you that way, because I like to think the best of people whenever possible. But, a spade is a spade…

Flight attendants do get busy a lot of the time, and might need to be reminded of things. I’ve been in that situation personally, and there’s ways of dealing with it that aren’t impolite and that don’t offend people. Up until that point in your own experience, I think this situation was fine, and you were entitled to ask again about what you had ordered; but then when you went about making your re-request in an impolite fashion using loaded and potentially offensive language, you made an error. I think he handled it in a sensible and situation-appropriate manner…but, here you are, sulking that you didn’t get your scotch fast enough and are claiming to be the “one who lost out,” i.e. the victim, when that’s not really the case at all.

The comparison with your grandmother is a false equivalency. She might be offended by this flight attendant’s very existence due to her own prejudices, but those are things she holds by choice and can change (and yes, even old people can change!). This guy was just doing his job, being who he is, and you’re finding it hard to believe that he’s so ultra-sensitive as to be offended when someone calls him an offensive term. It’s the difference between being mad that they didn’t serve your favorite dessert at dinner (your grandmother being offended at his existence), and someone being mad that a person they were serving at dinner stabbed them in the hand with a fork (the flight attendant being offended at your comment).

Considering you’re the “Aussie Gay Guy” (even though you’re bisexual, which I certainly don’t hold against you since I’m that myself!), this is a particularly lousy situation to have to be explaining all of this to you in…

Just to take a slightly different example, and to perhaps make this personal. Say you went to a store in SF, asked to be helped to find the salad dressing (or whatever!), and the person you asked ignored you for a while. Then, when you asked another person for help and referred to the previous person (in totally non-offensive terms, having learned your lesson in this situation!), the other person came back and said “Oh, the foreign Aussie cunt-bag shit-bucket is all bent out of shape that I didn’t jump on his request immediately…well, boo-hoo for him, he’s obviously just overly sensitive like all those Down Under butt-nuggets we have to put up with all the damn time here.” Now, I know this is hyperbolae, but let’s be honest–if that were the situation, you’d be offended, and you’d very rightly be offended, and would be justified in lodging a complaint and having this person fired from their job, if possible. It’s difficult, on an airplane, to operate any kind of “right to refuse service” policy, so the flight attendant in question really didn’t have many options in dealing with you, which makes his situation even more weighted in the customer’s favor, and thus more deserving of due consideration for courtesy and (dare I say it?) compassion.

I’m sure you don’t agree with a lot of what I’ve said here, and that’s fine (and I’ll still come and read your blog and comment and such–unless you decide to ban me commenting, which of course you can do since it’s your blog!), but I do think these things need to be stated, and that you should at least attempt to understand why many of your loyal readers find your reactions problematic. If we all understand each other, even if we don’t agree, that is something, and a useful “something” in my opinion. 😉

Dave, I have to agree with Dr. Phil’s logic and argument even though most of the time I agree with your philosophy. Maybe the term “fairy” in Oz has less of a sting than it does in the States. That I can’t say but it is a very offensive term here and it is a form of bullying.
You have a great blog and 99% of the time I agree with your comments but this 1% time I have to disagree. BUT then we ALL make mistakes and we all have regrets for them.

Here is an idea Dr Phil. if you don’t like what is being said here on the blog don’t visit its really a no brainer

What is the world coming to, if we cannot have some harmless banter between people and clearly if the air hostess was acting like a fairy well he can be called one. I would call the same to any “queens or fairys” i see out and about on the town.

Why is it ok for the “queens or fairy’s” to label me butch or so straight acting when I don’t act at all and I am just being me – but hey I dont get offended by that I just politely reply and say I’m not acting where clearly the Queens or Fairys are!

How about we all take a breathe sit back and have a laugh at ourselves instead of taking everything so serious – if your a queen you are a queen, if you are a fairy you are a fairy – if your straight acting or butch apparently you are me

Sometimes words have a more effective way of damaging a person than a physical attack. Using a derogatory term to describe someone for what he is, for its nature as a person is Brutal. We all have made poor choice of words at some point, the important thing is realizing the wrong. I remember as a kid once reading a display in a store that said, please connect your mouth with your brain before speaking 🙂