Haven’t kids had enough time off this year? Why do they have to have more bloody skool holidays?
Aussie beach towns just suck during holidays, soooooo many people!!!
Usually the beach looks like this:
But instead, looks something like this (OK, not this bad but on the weekend it was close):
That is why during our summer break (all of December and January) I try and get over to Colorado and visit Kip.
This morning I walked down to the beach for my morning swim and I nearly lost my towel and shorts because there were sooooo many darn people. Last night when I drove in to my buildings garage it too me 10 minutes to park because the two people in front of me seemed like they had never parked a car before – grrrrr.
Well, I am sitting here, looking at the busy beach wearing nothing but my speedos… life really isn’t that bad is it?
Maybe I should see if there are any Dad’s out there looking to get away from the wife and kids for some discrete fun? That would bring a smile to my face and make me less grumpy. And I think I’d be a good release for any Dad/Family Guy to unwind for a little bit.
It is winter here in Australia and I often joke to some of my friends in the northern hemisphere that an Aussie winter, is better than their summer. That statement might be a little stretch of the truth but it is pretty close.
All winter I can swim in just a speedo, the mornings can be cool but a normal day will still warm up to 25C or warmed which is perfect.
Yesterday afternoon I saw some evidence of how nice the winters are here… I was walking down to the local corner store to grab some bread and milk, walking along the beach in a pair of dork shirt and t-shirt. Then I noticed, running towards me were two very fit young guys (college/university age), wearing nothing but tight, tiny little speedos. One black and one fluro green.
I pretty much got a hard on then and there seeing these two guys jogging and talking and looking so amazing. I managed to get home, stripped down to my black speedos and finished the thoughts I was having about being in the middle of those two guys.
My point to this little blog post… even in winter, guys are running around in speedos. I took the long way round to get to that point.
The fluro green speedos are pretty rare, I was once given a pair by Corka (an Aussie swimwear brand that looks to have closed down).
The phrase “Boardies are for Bogans” is what started one hell of a fun (and naughty) Easter Monday afternoon/evening.
Let me start by making sure everyone knows the definitions. Boardies, refers to board shorts, what I often call dork shorts. Bogan, I feel like is an Australian slang word which I don’t think I’ve heard else where in the world. It will take a little more explaining but here is the online dictionaries attempt:
bo·gan
/?b??(?)n/
noun
INFORMAL•DEROGATORY
-
an uncouth or unsophisticated person regarded as being of low social status.
“boardies are for bogans”
Yesterday, was Easter Monday and was a lot quieter than in usual years of course. I always have work to do so was sitting around the house doing some work, jumping in the ocean every hour or so and generally just chilling out. I was wearing AussieBum speedos and nothing else all day (photo of me wearing them posted yesterday).
Later in the afternoon, around 4pm or so I felt like a swim so walked down to the ocean and 10 minutes later walked back. As I approached my little pad the neighbour chicks were on their little deck having a drink.
The neighbour chicks (I’m going to call them Ashley and Madison, not their real names but I’m sure you can understand me being discrete) are two Aussie sheilas my age, have lived next door for years. They are great, super nice, we hang out and party a bit and since they have day jobs, they aren’t around most of the time. I have had some drunken naughty experiences with Madison but the next day we both just seem to pretend it didn’t happen and nobody ever talks about it.
I’m not out to any of my local friends and I am pretty discrete even with the neighbours so I don’t think they know of my ‘homosexual habits’. They do see me in my speedo a lot but that isn’t too big a deal here in Australia and I have shagged one of them so I can see them thinking I’m 100% straight.
Sorry for the interlude, that info was for those of you who aren’t regular readers of my blog. Back to Monday afternoon…..
Walking up from the beach after my swim I see Ashley and Madison sitting out on their little deck area having a drink and one other person, a guy there as well. The girls were wearing shorts and bikini tops, the guy was wearing boardies and no shirt. He was pretty hot, the girls were looking pretty hot as well but I seen them all the time so didn’t notice as much. They saw me and invited me over for a drink.
I might have had a drink or two already Monday afternoon and I was feeling brave, braver than usual.
So, I just grabbed a beer from my outside fridge and walked the three steps to the neighbours. I was introduced to the shirtless guy, lets call him…. Luke (again, not his real name).
I pulled up a chair and settled into the conversation, which these days is all about the ‘Rona (Aussie’s always shorten names). It was nice just sitting there in my AussieBum speedo and nobody cared or mentioned it. To me this is the way it should be all the time, girls get to strut around in tiny bikinis all the time and nobody cares.
Over the next three rounds of beers I learnt that Luke is the new man in Ashley’s life, but is very new (like two weeks new). There are always new guys coming and going with these two.
Luke seemed like a nice guy and really funny.
As we finished our third beers it was my shout (that is a colloquialism for it being my turn to get beers from my fridge). Since the sun was getting low one of the girls suggested we go for a quick swim before it get too late. Everyone agreed.
I was dressed for a swim wearing nothing but my speedo. The girls both whipped off their little shorty shorts and there was Luke in his dork shorts.
It isn’t my place to hassle anyone, except my friends. But I didn’t have to, Ashley and Madison both started hassling Luke about wearing dork shorts for a swim. It was fun and Luke was taking the joke.
Both the girls were saying how speedos are the new thing and it was Madison who said something that has been burned into my brain “Boardies are for Bogans.”
The girls weren’t going to let him get away with it though. Luke didn’t have any speedos with him, the girls didn’t have any at their place so asked me to go and get Luke a pair.
Sure thing I replied. Ashley said… make sure they are red and tight Dave.
I was back in a flash with a pair of red speedo solar speedos that are a little too small for me to wear at the pool but I figured would fit Luke perfectly.
Solar is the model name for a type of Speedo brand speedo that has been around for ever. The sides are just 1 inch where normal speedos are at least 2 inches and there is a seam down the middle at the front and back which just somehow seems to accentuate ones butt. I’ve owned several of these over the years and currently have three pairs of solars in my collection.
When I threw them to Luke I expected him to go inside and change, but nope, all three of us were in for a lovely surprise. Luke just dropped his shorts right there in front of us. He didn’t put on a short or stand up and give us a real good look, but he just dropped his shorts and put on the little red speedo.
Luke looked good before but as he stood upright he looked like a God. It took him a second to adjust his package in his speedo and when he was done he announce that he was now properly dressed for a swim.
The four of us walked down the beach to the water and jumped in.
Looking at the four of us isn’t quite an Abercrombie and Fitch poster (we are all in our 30’s not 15yo like their promotional material) but it would have been a good tight for anyone walking by.
After our swim we came back up to the houses and I tried to excuse myself not wanting to interrupt their evening but they insisted and said having me there evened out the numbers and Madison didn’t want to be the third wheel. It was suggested, and agreed on that we start a bonfire which we did and the four of us sat around it as evening progressed and the drinks flowed.
Usually Tuesday would be a work day but with the government shutting everything down, nobody had any Tuesday obligations so we were partying like it was a Friday.
As the night wore on one of the girls suggested me play the ‘Have you ever’ game. Someone asks everyone if they have done ‘something’ (usually naughty or embarrassing) and if you have done that ‘something’ you have to drink. You drinking, is a quiet confirmation that you have done the said ‘something’ act.
Just the suggestion of this game gave me a stirring in my speedo. It always gets naughty and the four of us sitting around in barely any clothing with lots of alcohol meant this party was about to get naughty… just from my experience.
I was completely correct.
Luke was playing it very gentlemanly and not asking the real naughty questions, I was playing along similar rules. I think one of my questions was “Have you ever, walked in on your folks having sex?” I was the only one to drink. Then was next so asked “Have you ever, had your folks walk in on you having sex?” I didn’t drink at first, but clarified if it includes having sex with yourself? Yes, that counted, and I had to drink.
Then it was Ashley’s turn and this is where things went naughty. “Have you ever, kissed someone of the same sex?”
All four of us had a drink to lots of laughter from everyone. The girls didn’t question my response, maybe they have been hearing some of my Grindr visitors coming and going, but they did ask Luke. He calmly replied that his Mum’s family are Italian and all the men kiss… on the cheek.
Agghhhhh. That wasn’t what Ashley meant to ask!
Madison’s turn. “Have you ever, kissed someone of the same sex, sexually?”
All four of us drank again. And again everyone was shocked at Luke’s response. The two girls threw a barage of questions at him but he maintained his composure and brushed it off. I joked to Ashley that this should have been a first date conversation.
Lots of laughter.
Now my turn to ask. “Have you ever had sex with two people?”
Everyone drinks, except Madison. What? I thought she was a party girl and open minded. Ashley made jokes about Madison being very missionary. What about her sexually kissing someone of the same sex? The response was that she once dated a girl for a few months. I did not know that.
Luke took my lead and his next question was “Have you ever had sex with three people?” (ie a foursome).
Three of us drank again. Poor Madison was being left out.
Ashley kept it going “Have you ever had sex with four people?”
This time I was the only one to drink, to much laughter.
Madison’s turn “Have you ever had sex with five people?” Again, I took a drink. Lots more laughter and I told them I’d get really drunk, really quickly if they kept this line of questioning up. The question that would have stopped me drinking would be “Have you ever had sex with eleven people?” Those fans of mine know about my time being fucked by ten guys.
There was a ruckus and the girls were shocked, I am just the nerdy computer guy who lives next door? When did Dave become the crazy sex guy? Ow, how little they know.
It was my question now, “Have you girls ever kissed?” There were heckles from the crowd as I was reprimanded for a breach of the rules. I was supposed to ask anyone specific a question, I had to ask everyone. I apoligized for my mistake and reworded my question. “Have you ever, kissed Ashley?”
Madison and Luke had a drink, I didn’t.
Luke was a fast learner and it was good to have me asking questions just before him, his next question was “Have you ever kissed Madison?”
Ashley had a drink of course and when I had a drink Luke gave me a pat on the back. Ashley burst out that she had told him. I said I was just being a good neighbour to which Madison said it was her, just being a good neighbour.
Apart from me, Ashley seems like the naughtiest person sitting around the fire. Her question next, “Have you ever, wanted to have a foursome tonight?”
Everyone had a drink.
